Autonomy: do we really always need to guide, correct, and explain?

By allowing them to complete tasks on their own, you help them develop a sense of “self-efficacy.” This concept, theorized by Canadian psychologist Albert Bandura¹, refers to the belief in one’s own ability to achieve goals. In other words, greater self-confidence stems from the trust others place in you. You are their role model, their point of reference. If children see that you give them free rein, they understand that they have all the skills needed to handle any situation that arises.

Choosing for themselves how they want to spend their time, what shoes to wear when going out (as long as they’re appropriate for the weather, of course!), which book to borrow from the library, or what dish to order at a restaurant - these are moments that may seem trivial. Yet these moments teach them that their opinions matter, that their ideas are interesting, and that their perspectives are valuable.

Are you witnessing a completely mismatched mix of outfits? Are you watching someone struggle to figure out the next clue in a treasure hunt? You are actually witnessing highly beneficial formative experiences² that lay the foundation for their present and future independence.

And even if you’re itching to get involved, it’s best to hold back. You may have the opportunity to participate if you’re invited or if help is requested. After all, giving autonomy center stage doesn’t mean total disengagement. Rather, it’s about striking the right balance between excessive assistance and measured support.

In a society that subjects us to ever-increasing pressures (at the top of the list being the expectation to be a “perfect” parent), it becomes very difficult not to keep a close eye on everything our children do. Are they playing a new board game? You listen in to make sure they understand the rules. Have they just opened their summer workbook? Your eyes linger on the answers they’ve written. There are thousands of examples like these. They in no way reflect a lack of trust or a need to control everything. You’re trying to guide them, to make things easier for them, to help them succeed better. These motivations are entirely commendable.

However, taking a step back can bring unexpected benefits. This is what the self-determination theory, developed by American psychologists Richard Ryan and Edward Deci³, asserts. According to them, autonomy is one of the three fundamental psychological needs (along with feelings of competence and belonging) for children to thrive. Studies show that a parenting style that supports this autonomy fosters greater emotional regulation, engagement, perseverance, and intrinsic motivation.

This intrinsic motivation is an essential quality that will help them navigate many situations in their future lives. When they feel they are trying and succeeding on their own, they are more motivated by the activity itself, rather than by the rewards that might result from it or by the approval of the adult nearby.

Other benefits associated with an educational approach that promotes autonomy have been extensively studied, this time in relation to health. A meta-analysis published in 2025⁴ asserts that this approach positively influences the psychological well-being of children and adolescents, regardless of their culture, age, or gender. Conversely, excessive control - even if not always intentional - paves the way for symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Another meta-analysis on this topic⁵, published in 2017 and synthesizing more than 1,400 studies, examined behavioral problems in children who receive support for autonomy versus those subjected to excessive parental control. The conclusions are clear: children who grow up in an environment that encourages autonomy exhibit fewer externalizing behaviors. Here are some more concrete examples: this translates into less aggression, less systematic defiance, and less antisocial behavior (such as disobedience, disrespect, and a lack of consideration for others’ feelings, etc.).

Contrary to what Mr. and Mrs. Know-It-All might tell you when they see you opening these windows of autonomy, no, you’re not turning your children into little kings! You’re shaping their mental health, their psychological well-being, and their empathy.

Be careful, though - this argument shouldn’t be used as an excuse to let them do whatever they want. The studies mentioned do indeed talk about autonomy, but always within a protective framework.

“Parental letting go” is a topic that educational research is beginning to examine closely. Constant control and supervision of every little action are simply exhausting. Experts have even coined a term for parents who tend to overcontrol and overprotect: they call them “helicopter parents.” Let’s be honest: we’re not far off from this somewhat extreme definition - all of us, at one time or another, in one situation or another, depending on our level of exhaustion or stress.

Caring for one or more children demands so much energy, vigilance, and patience that the concept of “letting go as a parent” takes on its full meaning. Several studies have shown that, unsurprisingly, this is associated with a significant reduction in parental stress and greater enjoyment and satisfaction in the role of parent⁶.

Last but not least, the parent-child relationship flourishes much better with a parenting style that fosters independence. Direct consequences: greater mutual trust, better communication, and fewer conflicts⁴. If peace of mind at home simply comes from taking it easy, you’d be wise to give it a try.

Learning to let go doesn’t mean letting everything slide, though. You’re not going to stand by and watch your youngest climb to the top of the climbing wall alone, ready to fall. Nor are you going to let your oldest head off to class with homework that’s completely wrong, which will get them into trouble. For this invaluable autonomy to yield its full benefits, the framework must always remain safe, secure, and appropriate for their age and abilities.

1. Simply Psychology - Bandura’s Self-Efficacy Theory Of Motivation In Psychology
2. Joussemet, Mireille, and Geneviève A. Mageau, 'Supporting Children’s Autonomy Early On: A Review of Studies Examining Parental Autonomy Support toward Infants, Toddlers, and Preschoolers', in Richard M. Ryan (ed.), The Oxford Handbook of Self-Determination Theory (2023; online edn, Oxford Academic, 23 Feb. 2023)
   
3. Self-Determination Theory and the Facilitation of Intrinsic Motivation, Social Development, and Well-Being
   
4. Bradshaw EL, Duineveld JJ, Conigrave JH, Steward BA, Ferber KA, Joussemet M, Parker PD, Ryan RM. Disentangling autonomy-supportive and psychologically controlling parenting: A meta-analysis of self-determination theory's dual process model across cultures. Am Psychol. 2025 Sep;80(6):879-895. doi: 10.1037/amp0001389. Epub 2024 Jul 25. PMID: 39052356.
5. Pinquart M. Associations of parenting dimensions and styles with externalizing problems of children and adolescents: An updated meta-analysis. Dev Psychol. 2017 May;53(5):873-932. doi: 10.1037/dev0000295. PMID: 28459276.
6. Distefano, R., &  Meuwissen, A. S. (2022).  Parenting in context: A systematic review of the correlates of autonomy support. Journal of Family Theory & Review,  14(4),  571–592. doi: 10.1111/jftr.12465.